the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
You Might Also Like
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it