I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Woke up against my better judgment again
what kind of cook setting is this??
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.