Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.