After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When can I start eating bats again.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.