A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter