Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.