I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once