[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
You Might Also Like
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.