Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
jesus christ confetti not now
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls