Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
You Might Also Like
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Jurassic park gets weird
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
lmfao come on
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok