Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.