Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.