We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
#growingpains
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.