Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
quarantine day 3
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..