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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
my first dose meeting my second
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot