Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again