I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”