Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Cannot stop laughing at this
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition