Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.