This is amazing.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”