Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
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Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.