Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]