“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help