Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I put the h in mysterious.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
6: are snakes just neck?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
😏😏😏
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Who called it baking and not making love
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine