Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Meow?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it