I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.