[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.