Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
You Might Also Like
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!