centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*