*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.