When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
3% human
97% stress
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.