Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.