If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.