Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.