I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Oh my god
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia