my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
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the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.