We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
How actors in movies eat their food
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle