If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
relationship goals
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!