Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board