me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids