I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
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Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”