Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.