DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
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If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones