Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago