Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.