UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
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i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’m awake but I object,
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.