No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it