Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???