[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
me when I see my crush
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
my professor scared me for a second
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.