I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*eats only grass-fed donuts
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!